Dear Jade,
Some of my favorite mommy-blogging friends tend to write letters to their children on important dates. My friend Megan has written her son a letter almost every month since his birth more than two years ago. Kate has written her three children a letter on their birthday every year since I’ve been following her blog. I really admire their ability to mark those occasions with wonderful, endearing words of adoration.
By this time, you have probably figured out I am not one of those mommies.
So I wanted to take the time, on this unremarkable Tuesday in January, to tell you how much I love you and what a joy you are in my life. You’re not yet two, and yet your sense of humor, empathy, and perceptive nature are sometimes so well-developed it frightens me. The other day we were driving in the car, and you were smiling up at me from the back seat.
“You’re smiling, Jade. Are you happy?”
“Mommy happy?”
“Yes, Jade, Mommy’s happy.”
“Mommy happy. Jade happy.”
It seems like such a sophisticated concept – that you would be happy just because I was happy – but I realize now how much of my time with you, I have not been happy. It’s not that I didn’t love you or enjoy your company, but my brain wasn’t working correctly and it made it very hard for Mommy to be happy about much of anything. I hope that you will never understand how it feels to be depressed like that, but I know that given our family history you have a good chance. It took Mommy almost thirty years before she admitted that her brain needed help to feel happy, and now, I can truly say I am.
Which is why, on this unremarkable Tuesday night, I found myself entranced, watching you play and playing with you. We built block towers. You dubbed yourself “Super Grover Jade” and we flew through the air like Superman, capes and all. You told a story at the dinner table about the dog licking peanut butter off your fingers at lunchtime. You cooked “happycake” with Popsy after supper, serving it to Daddy and me in my running shoes. And you kissed us goodnight approximately eleventy bazillion times, alternating between us until we were all giggling and Mommy started crying from the sheer intensity of her love for you.
Honey Bear, you are becoming one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I know you have made me a better person. Mommy is happy because you made me need to be happy. I couldn’t let the rest of your life go by without being able to enjoy you.
Love you, Tater.
Super Mommy
So, so sweet,
I owe all three of my kiddos at least one birthday letter by now… my own unhappy-ness has prevented me from completing that ritual. But I did start, each time, so I will finish… someday…
Love you!