Change is coming
My goodness, it’s been a while. I could spend a long bit of time recounting my adventures since last we met, but since most all of you follow my shenanigans on Facebook, I won’t feel guilty about skipping the recap.
Life is busy! Between temp jobs, doctor’s appointments, and the odd escape to Portland, I’ve been busy…and it doesn’t look like things are going to slow down anytime soon. My birthday’s coming up on Tuesday, then Christmas, then a baby shower, and then, my little gal is coming into the world. At that point, life pretty much sets off at a full gallop, so I wonder what will change.
Change is one of those things that I used to dread, but these days, I am finding I’m more accepting of it than ever before. Perhaps it’s Mommy-brain, reminding me that life is completely unpredictable with a little one around, or maybe I’ve just grown used to the idea that change is the only constant in adult life.
As a kid, it seemed like constancy was the order of the day – life took FOREVER to change, but when it did, although I might have anticipated it, something about it just wasn’t…right. The first few days of summer vacation were wonderful, but after that, I did begin to long for school’s routines and regimens. Two weeks after school started, though, I wished that vacation were back already. It didn’t matter what the previous routine had been, it seemed infinitely better than what had just begun.
These days, I rather enjoy the fact that each day is different from the previous. Some days I’m out at a client site, working. Others, I’m home, knitting and cleaning and enjoying my solitude. The weekends, when I get to spend all day with Mike, are the best of all, but that’s pretty much par for the course, right? And I’ve been trying some new hobbies and experimenting in the kitchen.
I’m embracing change…and that seems like a pretty good thing for a mommy-to-be.
Filet of Sole/Soul
It’s been a while since I updated, but I’ve been concocting this post in my brain, trying to decide how best to phrase these words.
To start with – wow, it’s been a heck of a summer, politically speaking, no? At least the whole month of August with all the town hall meetings and so much anger and frustration, and lately with President Obama’s speeches about school and health care. For me, things got pretty interesting at one point too – I was given a very sharp reminder of the fact that the internet is inherently a public place, not a private one. I made a very poor judgment by exaggerating a situation in recounting it, and one of the parties to that situation caught wind of my tale and did NOT take kindly to it.
Definitely an “open mouth, insert foot” moment for me.
But I was thinking a lot lately about the power of words, and, perhaps more importantly, the intent behind words that gives them their power. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God, ” I guess the scripture goes, which further reinforces that as long as they have existed, words have had significant power over us. Words are more than sounds – they are concepts, oralized and codified as a way to ensure that the proper information and motives were conveyed from one person to another.
So I have to wonder, what is the purpose of so much of the partisan rancor of late? And I don’t direct my question at one particular party – it’s offensive to see that both sides have been carefully selecting their words so that the reputation of their opponents is tarnished in the eyes of the public. It seems that, rather than the promised bipartisan cooperation, we have chosen the lower road of planting our feet in the sand, thumbing our noses at each other, and declaring, “No Compromise!!! And your mother’s a whore besides!”
I think it’s one thing to stand firm on an issue that you’re passionate about. I’ll be honest – I think the health care situation in this country is pitiful, and I support a public option so long as it remains just that – an option. But I think it’s truly another thing altogether for liberals to try and shame conservatives into passing the legislation, and for conservatives to fearmonger and lie about what the legislation truly says. And mocking people like those who say, “Keep the government out of my Medicare” – laughing at them because they don’t understand how the system works – does nothing for anybody. It breeds resentment and even more partisanship.
And again, the intent of all this partisanship. I’m sure that those who participate in this ping pong battle of zingers and one-liners feel that the intent of their words and actions is to make their voices heard and change minds and hearts. But I have to wonder – is that the real intent? Or is it simply to make yourselves feel clever and superior? What does that say about you? Certainly not that you are an individual who is confident in yourself and your beliefs. More than likely, you aren’t really that sure of what you believe, and so you must tear others down in order to keep your confidence bolstered.
I have my beliefs, and I will hold to them. But I also respect that you have your beliefs. When we have to find the happy medium, I hope we do just that – find a compromise that respects our mutual intent to improve the situation, not win debate trophies.
Things I’m Doing Now (Because I Won’t Be Able To After This Kid Comes)
1. Lying around the house naked, because it’s hot outside (and because I enjoy it).
2. Making a batch of cookies and Eating. Every. Single. One.
3. Leaving the house spontaneously in the middle of the day with nothing but my wallet and keys.
4. Starting craft projects and leaving them, unfinished, around the house (especially double pointed knitting needles/sewing needles, and scissors)
5. Not sweeping up the spilled cat litter at every opportunity.
6. Letting my cats take long, uninterrupted naps in the middle of the living room floor.
7. Not having a vegetable at dinner.
8. Having ice cream for lunch. (I swear I’m eating healthy, I promise!)
9. Sleeping past my alarm in the mornings.
10. Going away for a weekend with a single small duffel bag for all of our stuff.
11. Making my fashion choices by what looks best on me, rather than what DOESN’T have spit up all over it.
Nothin’ much, just growing new life inside of me…
So, if it weren’t obvious from the last post – it’s true! I am knocked up, preggo, PG, up the duff, with child, in a family way, bun in the oven – Pregnant! I am about 11.5 weeks along, which means this kid is making its appearance in mid-to-late February. Mike and I have been wanting to start our family, and now that I am done with school, it seems Providence wasted no time in making our wishes a reality!
It is so strange to think about how quickly this happened – considering for both our sets of parents, it was a matter of multiple years’ efforts (and in my parents’ case, medical intervention as well) to achieve procreation. We anticipated at least a few months of “practice” before achieving our goal, and I, in particular, had prepared myself for the challenges of conception. Many of my friends have tried for months or years before being successful, and so sometimes there is the survivor’s guilt of having “had it easy”, when I know what wonderful parents my friends could be if they were blessed in the same way. But that’s the way life goes, I guess, and I will not treat this child as anything but what it is: a blessing (and occasionally, a pain in the ass).
I’ve been feeling well for the last few weeks – previously I was rather nauseous, though never got sick. This week I seem to have had a relapse, though the feeling is ten times less than it used to be. Tonight was trouble, and I should have known pork chops were a bad move. I had about three bites, and then decided it was best to stick with the applesauce and the green beans.
As far as the job search – well, it seems I am the Queen of the Second Interview. I have had two interviews for each and every position I’ve applied to, only to be told each time that I was “so close” and that they will “keep [my] resume on file”. Hmmph. I have one more interview – at my old stomping grounds, where I interned this spring. My dear friend Megan is moving back home to Tennessee, and they need someone to take her place. I know it’s a position that I could do well, and I know that the team there is one I’d get along with. So we’ll see what Tuesday brings for me.
I have realized, though, that if I don’t get this position, I can’t continue applying, and here’s why – when I get a job at a not-for-profit arts organization, I want to commit to doing an outstanding job for them. If I get hired at 6 or 7 months pregnant, then have to take a two or three month leave while I give my child the care I feel it needs and deserves, then that’s hardly doing an outstanding job, is it? And considering the cost of childcare in this city (a pretty penny, I can tell you!), unless I am making a fairly decent wage, a significant portion of my paycheck will go to paying for someone else to raise my child. So if I don’t get this last job, I will probably be staying at home for the next year or two.
Mike is not exactly delighted at the thought – considering he was so glad that I finally found my “niche” and just completed a Master’s degree to prepare me for my new career path – but understands my reasoning. He and I both grew up with mothers who were home for the better part of our childhoods, and feel that it is important. Seeing as I’ve been acting as a housewife for the past couple of years anyway (excepting the few part-time jobs I’ve held while in school), it’s a role that will be challenging, yes, but not entirely unfamiliar to me.
So, I’m sitting at a crossroads, and though neither choice is profoundly distasteful to me, it is still going to be hard for me to choose.
Pitiful
I don’t usually choose to blog about things like this, but the whole situation with a friend’s mother-in-law has really incensed me.
Don’t get me wrong – I love the website Passive Aggressive Notes, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s passive-aggressive behavior. I try to hold myself to the standard of letting people know when they upset me – marriage has really taught me that lesson – because it just seems like such a waste of energy otherwise. Why spend three weeks holding a grudge when you can have one ten minute awkward conversation and get over it?
In high school and college, I made a distinct effort to have a no-drama existence, which was made much easier by a lack of romantic relationships. In high school you’re dramatic by nature, so why add to it by choice? Sure, I dated a few guys, but they were always low-key, unlike some of the winners with which various friends chose to fraternize. In general, I tried to stay out, unless I felt the friend’s physical or mental safety was at risk.
So it just completely knocks me off my feet when I see grown adults (unfortunately, more often than not, women) who choose to pull passive-aggressive behavior as a way of biting their thumb at the people who irk them. I have a theory that women of a certain age, from a certain time in history, use these tactics because they were taught to be less direct – to beat around the bush in order to make their voices heard. Given that there are plenty of women of the same age group that don’t act in such a manner, my theory is probably riddled with holes, but…that’s why it’s a theory and not a fact.
My friend’s husband finally chose to publicly address his relatives about their behavior, and he described the situation as ” passed through ridiculous and firmly into pitiful”. I couldn’t agree more.
How pitiful that people who are family felt they couldn’t directly address their concerns (probably because they already knew they were ludicrous and that their behavior was childish at best).
How pitiful that you feel so threatened by your child’s wife that you take every opportunity to scorn her, and turn up your nose at her every attempt to smooth the troubled waters.
How pitiful that a person can think of themselves as the center of the universe.
How pitiful that you’re using your own petty grievances to ruin your chances of ever having any kind of meaningful relationship with your grandchildren. You will regret this in years to come.
God strike me down if I ever exhibit this kind of pitiful behavior.
Um, are you still here?
Alli passes by the doorway, toothbrush in hand, robe over PJs.
Oh!…Wow, you’re still hanging around, are you? Committed…I like that in my blog fans.
I know I’ve not been particularly attentive in recent weeks. But things are happening! Some I can talk about now, others, you probably know about, but I’ll deal with a bit later.
I’ve been interviewing at two arts organizations in the area – two interviews each. One is planning to have a decision made within days, and the other supposedly will have a third round of interviews. I haven’t heard from them in more than a week, so I’ve got less hope for that one. Fingers crossed, otherwise I’ll be starting the process over once more.
In between interviews, I’ve been busy spending time with friends and accomplishing surprisingly little around the house. My brother-in-law has been staying on our couch, following a rather unpleasant breakup (lesson: don’t sign a lease with your girlfriend. One or the other should be the leaseholder, not both.), and since he follows a completely different schedule than me (he works in the restaurant biz, so sleeps all day and works all night), it’s meant I’ve been resigned to the back half of the apartment for most of the day. Irritating? Why, yes, now that you mention it… But I’m glad that he is out of an obscenely unhealthy relationship and is getting to spend time with his friends again.
I’ve been a bit under the weather lately, which is unusual considering my doctor told me at my last physical that I was “embarrassingly healthy”. More about that to come at a later date.
Beach
It’s supposed to be Madhouse day for those of us participating, but when I saw the theme for the week, this was all I could think about. This photo was taken by a friend of mine in high school, when we took a winter beach trip as a surprise for my father’s 50th birthday. December on the Oregon coast doesn’t make for pleasant weather, but it does make for hilarious and slightly naughty photography.
Crush
All right, it’s time to confess.
I have a big celebrity crush. A BIG ONE.
Mister Kevin Smith, of Clerks/Zack and Miri/Dogma fame.
I’m not much for celebrity worship, but I have to confess that this is definitely my one exception to the rule. Ever since Mike introduced me to Clerks in high school, I fell for the big guy in the trenchcoat with the foulest mouth I’d ever heard.
Clerks was funny in high school, but it didn’t really click for me until I left college and entered the soul-sucking foodservice industry. At 23, I had a college degree I wasn’t using, and didn’t really have a plan for what I was doing with my life. Clerks was like someone had gathered all my thoughts, picked out the few clever bits, mixed it with some genius physical comedy and lowbrow humor, and made something that resonated with twenty-somethings the world over.
Dogma was really my first love, because I admired his ability to mock the Christian church while still paying respect to the ideals of Christianity (and even find room for a rubber poop monster). You’ve got to love a man that protests his own movie’s opening.
But if Clerks was our first date and Dogma was our first kiss, I’d have to say Zack and Miri Make a Porno would have to be the moment I fell in love. I know it wasn’t quite the critic’s darling like it was hoped to be, and I know that the opening weekend numbers weren’t nearly what they were predicted to be, but I was there on opening night, and I fell HARD.
I don’t know what interstellar channel Kev had tuned into while creating that movie, but it was like everything clicked for me. So many little pieces of my life seemed to jump out at me from that movie — working at the coffee shop, knitting, the seven years since high school that it took for Mike and me to realize we were in love — that the movie felt like it had been made for me and me only.
For Christmas last year, Mike got the two of us tickets for his Q&A up at the Bergen PAC in Jersey. We made the trek in February, and it really was a fantastic night. I’ve enjoyed his Q&A DVDs, but being there live was definitely an upgrade (plus, he told us a story he will never have on a DVD – a definite perk for the uberfan.). We’ve talked about going up for his Carnegie Hall show, but it’s in the middle of the week and not feasable for Mike. Boo.
So there you have it. My celebrity crush. Kevin Smith, you have a special place in my heart (and some of my naughtier dreams).
And before some of you say anything, yes, I have noticed that Mike bears a resemblance. This is NOT a bad thing.
Nope, not a bad thing at all…
Today’s post is part of The Madhouse, a weekly group blogging assignment from Kate over at One More Thing. I’m TERRIBLE at remembering to do these, but you should definitely head over to her blog and see who else has remembered.
Rough Times
I’m having a really tough time dealing with this job hunt lately. I applied for one of the few positions that I was a) qualified for, and b) excited to apply for, and after two interviews, I have heard nothing back. A week and a half later, I’m giving up, but I will send one last email to double check. I’m working on applying for a few other positions, but on the whole, things aren’t going well, and it’s frustrating and depressing.
I had a long lunch yesterday with Kristi, a friend from undergrad who moved to the area for graduate school. We talked about the similar situations we’ve found ourselves in, and realized a couple of demons that we have and need to exorcise. Both of us have tended to be high-achievers, both in school and the few jobs we’ve held over the years. We learn quickly, try our hardest, and in general exceed the expectations of our superiors. This is not the problem. The problem is this – nothing is that much of a challenge, once my foot is in the door.
Now, getting said foot in said door, there’s the rub. Challenges intimidate me, because most of my successes have fallen into my lap. The second I have to work for something, it becomes less desirable and I wonder if it’s the right thing to do. I can tell you that this blog has been a challenge for me, because writing is something I often do at the muse’s whim – if the entry doesn’t flow out of my keyboard, I’m liable to abandon it rather than plug away. Likewise, knitting – if I get bored with a project, I am more likely to rip it out than plug away and just finish the darn thing. (This may explain why I still have skeins of yarn in my stash that were purchased before I moved to Virginia – about four years ago.)
I’ve sat here at the desk and plugged away at this post because I want to make a point to myself. Not everything easy is the best choice, and not everything is going to come easily to me. I need to remember this daily, and continue to push myself to find work – I will find something soon, and it will be what I need now, even if it isn’t my forever job.
